Why Your Dog Can’t Learn When They’re Stressed
(And What to Do About It)
By: Amanda Lunsford, CBCC-KA
A potential client texted me a few months ago: “We’ve been practicing ‘sit’ for months, but the moment another person appears, it’s as if Max has never heard the word before and loses his mind. What are we doing wrong?”
Nothing. They’re doing nothing wrong.
Here’s what’s actually happening: An overly worried/excited/fearful/frustrated dog’s brain goes into survival mode—and survival mode doesn’t have room for ‘sit’ and ‘stay’.
It’s like trying to remember your phone number while someone’s chasing you with a chainsaw. The information is in your brain, but your brain is busy with more pressing matters – like staying alive.
Dog Training Advice Contradicts Itself
This is why so much dog training advice feels like it contradicts itself. One trainer says “practice commands daily.” Another says “manage the environment first.” Someone else says “expose them gradually to triggers.”
They’re all talking about different phases of the same process! But nobody’s telling you which phase your dog is actually in.
The Three Things Every Dog Needs
(In This Exact Order)
After years of working with dogs who growl, bite, lunge, and can’t settle down, I’ve learned something: Every dog and family need the same three things, in the same order, every time.
It doesn’t matter what YouTube says. It doesn’t matter what worked for your neighbor’s dog. It doesn’t matter what technique is trending on social media.
Here’s what actually works:
Phase 1: Safety First 🛡️
Make life feel manageable
Before we can teach anything, both you and your dog need to feel safe. Not just physically safe, but do either of you emotionally or mentally perceive a threat?
This looks like:
- Removing the triggers they can’t handle yet – the ones you can remove, don’t worry about the rest.
- Establishing reliable routines they can trust – valuing quality interactions over simply sharing space. Promote steady progress through small, incremental changes instead of seeking immediate results.
- Giving dogs the space to unwind and just be dogs – they don’t enjoy being disturbed while resting. While many dogs have a backyard, they often lack real opportunities for exploration that enrich their lives.
- Managing situations so they stop practicing the wrong response over and over – window film versus letting them bark at people and dogs outside.
I worked with a reactive dog whose family felt terrible about taking away their entertainment from the front window. “My dog really enjoys looking out the front window. Won’t they be sad if they don’t get to do that throughout the day?”
My response was, “But your dog also doesn’t understand why they can bark at dogs from inside but they can’t bark at dogs when they are outside. Just because a child likes their screen time doesn’t mean it’s good for them to have it all the time.”
Every time their dog practiced lunging and barking at other dogs from the window, those neural pathways got stronger. We needed to interrupt that pattern first.
Two weeks of avoiding triggers (as much as you can. Remember, I am a realist.) and this dog is calming down more often, sleeping better, and ready to actually learn something new.
The internet says: “You’re avoiding the problem! You need exposure!”
Reality: A dog (or human) in survival mode can’t learn. Period.
Phase 2: Teaching Alternatives 🎯
Show them what TO do instead
Once your dog (and you) feel safer, THEN you can teach them what you actually want.
Not “stop barking.” But “when someone comes to the door, come find me.”
Not “don’t pull.” But “walk near me and check in with me”
Not “stop being anxious.” But “when you feel worried, go settle down with your toy.”
The key is to practice when everything is calm. That’s how you build skills like muscle memory—making good choices start to feel automatic, like a habit.
It’s comparable to trying to recall your phone number immediately after witnessing a multi-car accident right in front of you. Your racing heart and danger-focused mind prevent concentration on a simple question.
I remember a pair of dogs who would lose their mind every time the doorbell rang. We spent two weeks practicing “go settle” cue when nothing was happening. Random practice throughout the day. No doorbell. No visitors. Just calm, easy repetition. Quality over quantity.
When we finally tested it with a delivery person walking up to the door, their owner was amazed—the dogs didn’t bark or lunge at the delivery driver.
“They actually went to go settle” she whispered. “Even with all that excitement, they chose to do the right thing.”
That’s the power of teaching the alternative behaviors when stress is low.
Phase 3: Adaptability 🌟
Make it work in your real life
Your dog can sit in your living room? Great. Can they sit when the doorbell rings? When another dog walks by your house? When they’re excited walking in the neighborhood?
This phase is about:
- Practice in your home first with no distractions
- Practice in front of your home without any distractions
- Practice in quiet new places
- Add on distractions gradually
- Building confidence every step of the way, letting them win it in different situations.
- Making skills portable and reliable – everywhere.
Here’s where most people get frustrated. The skills work at home but fall apart in real life. So they think their dog is “stubborn” or “only listens when they feel like it.”
Nope. You just skipped the adaptability phase.
Why This Order Changes Everything
When I was a baby dog trainer, I used to jump straight to teaching. Dog pulling on leash? Let’s teach loose leash walking. Dog barking at visitors? Let’s teach go to your place.
But here is the problem: I was building a house without a foundation.
- A stressed dog—and a stressed human—can’t learn at the same time
- The inability to succeed takes away your dog’s drive to keep trying—and your motivation to keep training, too.
- A dog who doesn’t know what you want can’t succeed.
- And a dog who’s only practiced in one environment can’t generalize those skills to new situations.
Now I know: Safety First. Teaching Alternatives. Adaptability.
And guess what? It works faster than trying to shortcut the process.
The Real-World Timeline
Week 1-2: Life gets more predictable. Stress decreases. Your dog starts to relax.
Week 3-4: They learn what you want them to do when everything’s calm. Light bulbs start turning on.
Week 5-6: Real-world practice begins. Some good days, some tough ones. Both are normal. As long as the stress doesn’t last longer than the good, you are still building a good foundation.
Week 7-8: Skills start transferring to new situations. You see glimpses of the dog you knew was in there.
Month 2: It’s not perfect, but it’s working. You have tools. You understand each other. You know how to move through the world together, flow like water, and move like a team.
Where Do Most People Get Stuck?
Mistake #1: Skipping Safety First
You jump to training because managing feels like “giving up.” But a dog in survival mode can’t access higher brain functions. That’s neuroscience, not opinion.
Mistake #2: Teaching When They’re Stressed
You practice commands during trigger situations, wondering why they’re not “listening.” They’re not ignoring you – their brain literally can’t process complex information right now.
Mistake #3: Expecting Adaptability Without Practice
You teach “sit” in your kitchen and expect it to work at the dog park. Then you feel frustrated when it doesn’t transfer.
“I know you know how to sit. You do it all the time,” most of my clients say when their fearful or anxious dog meets me.
Recall the Client from the Beginning?
Remember him? The one whose dog “forgot” everything around other people?
Her dog wasn’t forgetting. He was stressed. Once we backed up to Phase 1 – making other people less scary through a short burst of exposure followed by play and or distance and management – everything clicked.
Now he can lie down and relax outside around other people. But we had to start with safety first.
If You’re Struggling Right Now
Ask yourself: What phase is my dog really in?
Safety First: Are they calm enough to think rationally, or are they still in survival mode? It doesn’t matter if it’s excitement, fear, frustration, or anything else. All those emotions can be overwhelming and intense, making it difficult for both dogs and people to think clearly when feelings run high.
Teaching: Do they understand what you want them to do instead of displaying the problematic behavior? Can your dog sit instantly when asked for a treat? Can your dog sit immediately upon command without any treats? Are they able to do this in the front yard? And can they maintain that position for an extended period while outside?
Adaptability: Can they perform at home but struggle in other locations?
Meet them where they are. Not where you want them to be.
Some days will feel like breakthroughs. Others will feel like starting over. Both are part of the process. It isn’t all or nothing, always or never.
When you ask your dog to sit 10 times, how many times do they respond—7 out of 10, 2 out of 10? Use measurable data. Here’s a great video from Dr. Ian Dunbar about result-based training and the value of measurable data. We should be testing that our training works.
The Bottom Line
The internet will always have more techniques. More “revolutionary” methods. More quick fixes.
But your dog just needs three things:
- Safety, so their brain can function
- Clear alternatives, so they know what you want
- Practice in the situations that actually matter.
In that order, every time.
What phase is your dog in right now? Tell me in the comments – I’d love to help you figure out what comes next!
Tired of feeling like you’re spinning your wheels? That’s exactly what my behavior programs address – we figure out what phase your dog is actually in, then build from there. No more confusion about conflicting advice. Just a clear path that works with your dog’s brain, not against it.